Just pick one paragrpah cause this is a ridiculous rant.

The holidays are nearing an end. It has been a year of "Fuck Christmas" . Oh, and while we're at it "Fuck 2007" too. I looked at Christmas lights and still felt a little warmth but that was the end of it. It was love hate relationship this year.

I went home for a week. It was eye-opening, kick in the crotch of reality to say the least. Strangely enough, I wasn't ready to leave when I did. Maybe becasue I spent to most part of it drunk or done for in other ways. I sang "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr in a bar with carpet and countless colored lights lining the walls, drinking a Long Island, near people I haven't seen in years, smoking a cigarette, wondering why all nights couldn't just feel as unreal as this. The people of Peck are an interesting breed and my mind almost exploded through my ears as I tried to understand this world that I grew up in. I'm a child of this town, it's an intense this to claim. It's strange how all the desicions I have made in my life would have been completely wrong for every one back home, but they were just right for me. There is a uncomfortable feeling of comfort in that.

My brother got married. My younger brother got married during Christmas. I'm pretty happy for him. But my angry side, is all like why you tryin to take Christmas? So it's Christmas right? and it's sorta my thing to be into Christmas. I think about Charlie Brown all year just waiting to be able to watch the holiday special. I love coming home and being cool and different and wearing scarves that apparently make me look like someone not from Michigan. And the attention is almost to awesome. And then to top it off I get presents. So Christmas is supposed to be kick ass. Well this year my brother got married. I was demoted to coat girl this Christmas. Life time commitments are aparently all the rage this year and I just missed the fuckin boat. The biggest commitment I've made in the past few months was my year subsciption to W magazine. People don't really give you hugs or money for commitments like that.

I'm talking to two new men. Nameless men because I can't deal with explaining either one of them. Argh. I want to be open to these things. I really do and I mean that. But it's been a long time since I've had a decent comversation with a person that I would also like to have sex with. I want you to talk dirty, but in a way that also makes my mind work. I mean I can only have so many conversations about my breasts. I get it they are large. Congratulations you notcied the biggest things that stick out of my chest, you're not a tricky pirate who just found a hidden treasure. The sky is blue, the grass in green, it snows in Vermont, there are starving children in Africa, and I have boobs....all things that don't need to be discussed to be noticed. JEEEZZZ.

My mom calls this side of my cynical, and this side of me makes me kind of a huge bitch. Its unfortunate that this seems to be something that will stick with me, like an STD. Is there an STD that cause sarcasm and cynicism? I know its not herpes, but I think its pretty close. It just itches the same.

And the bitch of the whole situtation is remembering the coversations I used to have with Mr. B Smalls before I he even got a chance to feel up my boobs. He just talked to me. He was charming, smart, and I just wanted to listening to his words trying to understand his way of thinking. That feeling made me want to get all up in that shit. Of course all those words and that "interesting" mind was the reason he ended up being sorta crazy. I like the crazies.

And then there was one. One dinner plate, one set of silverwear, one pack of cigarettes, one coffee cup, one television, one pillow, and the absolute worse, one toothbrush. I don't know how a piece of plastic with stupid little bristles that clean out your mouth crap can mean so much, but it really fuckin can. This ache can make a perfectly normal woman lower her standard to the point of no return. And pretend she's not a smoker. It's like a game of limbo....how low can you go?

I will not stop until I'm so sustainable my life will mean nothing. Eat that.

There are two types of people in this world, People I like and people I don't like. There are few cases that ride the line. You fall into one of the catagories. Even I don't know I could love or hate you already. I jugde before there is even a meeting. I'm a pro. I wish I got money to judge people. I would be so fuckin rich. I would buy friends and people's love. It would be awesome. My whole life would be like shopping at Old Navy.

Something I learned this month...FUCK ICE. I can't even be outside without fearing my entire life. It all flashes in front of my eyes everytime I get near my door. So I stay inside where its safe. The only thing I worry about here is phone calls and my crazy neighbors. But they're almost not a problem anymore because I've started sing the broom. All it takes is a few taps on the ceiling and a violet "GIVE ME A BREAK" towards the sky. Problem fuckin solved.
I'm a problem solver.
I'm the peace keeper.
I will get you while you're sleeping.
I will watch Friends will the volume so loud you'll wish I was the one screaming.
I will cut you.

I want to drink more and think less.
I want men to be human, instead of the people I keep having to "flirt" with.
I want to read something that makes me scream.

I'm not violent, just serious. Very serious about being awesome and being funny.
And watching Scrubs and tanning. Also going to Wal-mart and getting really good deals.

I'm out.

Honesty is over comming any sense of drive

Honestly
Honestly
Honestly I feel sick. Honestly I don't believe the postive things I tell meself everyday.
Honestly I think I poop to much everyday for a "healthy" person.
Honestly I smoke because it keeps my hands busy,
Honestly I want to go home.
Honestly I want to feel like I'm funny,
Honestly I want people to know who the fuck I am and what I'm doing..or not doing.
Honestly I FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Honestly I want to give it all up, work at a gas station, and live a life where no one is asking question.
Did you do this? What are your plans? Who do you wanna be? DId you do that resume, that paper, that sculpture, that application? Did you? Would you? What do you?

NO..I don't, I didn't, I won't, I don't know.

Godamit, where's the hell is my real life?
I wish I could blame this on a person with a penis. But it has nothing to do with that guy.
Just me, I'm the problem here.
I erased my paper...I erased my 17 page paper the morning it was due. I'm starting over.
God, I have a poop again.

Can I get a quote of the day you slut!

Someone once said to me "You have a great sense of prespective, esspecially for your age."
Ha. I thought. This woman is insane.
And then I thought, yeah "prospective" that can be the thing that proves I'm a normal person.
A normal person.
normal
normal
normal
normal
normal
Yep I'm normal.
Realizing that can be worse than many things.
Also finding out your a bad speller.

Burn down the tree...Christmas is a bitch.

When people talk to single people about being single they say wonderful things like "You're awesome by yourself" "You have so many things going for you" "You will find all those things in someone else" "You have wondeful friends, a wonderful support system, you don't need to be in a relationship because you're not alone" "I totally understand"

Well boys and girls here's the things that don't tell you.
One. Most men a scarey. And they live with their parents, and wear tie-dye wolf shirts, and they say inapropriate things about the size of my breasts, and dating them is more painful that a punch in the face while you're completely sober.
Two. Having a beautiful apartment, cable, wireless internet, a brain for myself, and work ethic are unimportant when you're sitting watching the 4 millionth show of America's Next Top model, listening to your neighbors fight, and listening to your mother tell you you are ridiculous. And to top it off you can't even remember what a penis looks like anymore.
Three. Nights are fucking scarey. God forbid someone comes to the door or calls after midnight because you will literally shit yourself. But you will keep watching Friends, lock your door, and pray no one else visits until it is very light outside.
Four. When it snows, and there are Christmas lights everywhere and you keep hearing every kiss begins with K(ay) after every thing you watch on television, you will feel like shit. And there is no getting around it. I hate Christmas now. Trees, lights, carols, commercials, candy, egg nog, peace. joy, harmony, Rodolph, Santa, North Pole, snow, ice, wreaths, good cheer....every year I get made fun of for the love of these things, but not anymore. Fuck it all. I'm taking down my stupid tree. I hate the damn things, it look as "ridiculous" as my mother says my feelings are. So fucking eat me Chirstmas.
Five. Doesn't matter how many friends you have, you still feel alone. Your friends have their own lives and no one wants to give up a night with their lover to be with their "crazy single friend". I know this only because I didn't want to either when I was in a relationship.


And that my single friends, is the fucking truth. But also know this...somedays are good...somedays are really bad. But in my experience just pretending most days are good when people are watching is the best thing to do. If you don't people will be quite annoyed with you. Slap on the fake "I just got laid, but not really, but I feel great about myself" face and everyone will want to be your friend....maybe you'll even get a crown.