The Gynie Show

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

2008-11-26T17:35:00.000-08:00

So I thought to myself today....

"Self, why don't you post on your Gynie blog anymore?"

And I answered the question after a few minutes of sitting and a cigarette.
Truth is I'm just not that funny anymore.
I just can't think of a way to make unemployed and ridiculously depressed hilarious. Unless you throw in the bit about me working at a shitty job, being exhausted, and all those things leading to me spending thanksgiving alone.
After reading that all I can think is "Someone shut this emo bitch up." Which I am about to do.

And so thoughts of retiring this good ol' blog are in my head.

The death of a Wooooo girl.

2008-11-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

So I am told that everyone goes through the feelings that haunt every minute of my day. Monster.com I am your bitch on so many levels. Same to you Lakes Region Free Press, Indeed.com, higeredjobs.com, schoolspring.com, Rutland Herald, and my favorite jobsinvt.com, oh and don't forget vermontjoblink.com. Christ.

I am a college graduate, I'm a hard worker, and in most cases I tend to rule. That means almost nothing to the job market today. I know the shape the economy is in. I fuckin get it already. But this was not supposed to touch me...or more importantly, my ideals.

And this is what we all go through. The fact that there was a person we all thought we'd be at this point and that person does not exist. Its not a bad thing that they don't exist. The point is, they don't.

And then you have a mishap in the shower with some very strong hair removing lotion that should have never got so close to the place where you pee and do a few other things. You look down after a shower and all the sudden your naked down there. Nothing good can come of that. And nothing has.

All you can do is keep going and hopefully it will all work out.

It is almost Christmas and some of my ideals will never die.

And then they all fell down.

2008-10-10T20:12:00.001-07:00

The most fabulous thing happened....the fall came. I knew is was almost here and I could feel it in New York but then I came home and she was here.

By tradition fall is the time in my life where things happen to me. The most life happens in autumn. Ironically its also the time things die, they die long horrible whiskey stained deaths. I've earned scars and vagina bruises to prove I've seen both. This year feels like a good one and although my job is a bit crazy things seem to be staying quite calm.

I think I'm going to enjoy this year more than any other I've had in this little village.

Maybe one learns to respect Poultney more when one has been to a Target in Long Island.

Mix one part Jack Daniels with 4 parts hot cider, sprinkle with cinnamon to taste.
Enjoy the month before winter comes again.

The large and terrible frog, terribly large, and largely terrible

2008-08-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

I got an IM today.
Simple
"I miss you"
I closed the window so fast, I barely read the "you".
Not the day for this, I thought.

I sat for a second and tried to remember the good things, the wonderful moments, and I know they are there but I can't seem to remember a single one. All I could remember today was blank space, as emo as that shit sounds. There's nothing left there anymore.
Just quiet and the end of something that I can't seem to recall.

Funny.

My chest hurts and I need a drink.

If you aint got no money take your broke ass home.

2008-08-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well everything has to come to an end and they have.
The theater is a weird, cult-like, almost euphoric place to be.
There's all these people, people you want to be friends with. And by you, I mean me.
When I'm away from any of them for more than a 12 hour period, I get the best welcome back in the world. Everyone stops by the box office, stops and gush "ANNNNNGGGGGG I miss you!!! Where have you been? What are you doing? Do you wanna hang out tonight?" And I eat that shit up like I'm a starving child in Africa. In return I do the same when they leave and return 2 days later. It's amazing. Drama. It drives the whole summer. Its beautiful as fuck.

I've now started a new job, a real job. A job that requires me to have a "work" persona. It feels a bit strange and completely dishonest. When someone makes a comment like "I was so tired I almost fell asleep at my desk!" followed by a huge laugh, a laugh as if they had come up with the phrase, a laugh as if they had thought about it the night before and thought 'this is gonna be a real zinger', I just want to throw their stapler through the window and punch their computer screen. Instead, I laugh too, I say something like "You're hilarious, I cant BELIEVE you are that tired, wow, you must be the most tired person in the world, you're a real hoot, you know that, do you know what a freakin hoot you are" In the real world, people love that. That reaction will at least get you on a Christmas card list somewhere. A card with a happy family, a tree, and a dog. I don't know what is worse, being not funny with a perfect Christmas card to send out or being secretly hilarious and having a problem with drinking.
You decide.
I prefer being funny, there's less clean up.

Well I have to take a nap and take my dog for walk.
My life is so exciting right now I could stab myself in the leg.
Happy Holidays

Other than that

Youre a creeeeeeppppeerrrr.

2008-07-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

Omigod,
omigod you guys.....

Life is pretty freakin awesome right now. The theater is once again ruling my world like a fever. Everyday I'm there I'm just pumped to be chilin with the people I am in fact chillin with. Beautiful Beautful.
I don't think one knows what true happiness is until you break out into song, and not just any song, a little dittie from Legally Bonde The Musical. And when you break out into that song, no one is looking at you with puzzled and embarrassed faces, they are singing along with you. The whole moment feels like maybe there is hope in this world after all. There has to be if people still know how to sing songs that have no meaning whatsoever, except that jazz hand are just fucking fun to rock.

Not to mention I've been reminded how amazing long islands are again.

Hell yeah I'll take your ticket order and I will love every second of it because that is what I do. I will own the shit out of that all day if it means I get to be a part of this insane summer.

I've never been so entertained in ALL my life.

Like a tampon thief I had to pull some strings.

2008-07-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Its toooooooooo late for me to be up right now. I want to sleep, sleep, sleep. Unfortunately I decided that two long islands with dinner was a good idea....not just a good idea but a great idea. And then I realized I was wide wide awake and everyone I know is in bed.

I will be spending tomorrow working and when I say working, I mean wooooorrrrkkkkiing.

I spent my whole morning at the grandest grocery store on the planet. It smells like deli meat, cardboard, and air conditioning in that place. It's kinda like Walmart without the greeter when you first walk into the store. That guy sucks anyway, all you really need is a cart boy. Any more people up front is overkill. It borders showing off. Bastards.

I got to chat with CMB today. He went on a date with the new girl from the bakery last week. I was all cocky, tired, and shaking from the 40,000 cups of coffee I had drank before it was even 9 in the morning and I decided it would be in my best interest to ask him how the date was. So I did.
"So how was your date last week?"
"Oh, it was okay, but there was no sparks, so we're not going out again."
Now in my head I'm giving myself a mental high five because I'm so excited about this development. And I think 'okay here's your chance Ang, say something awesome, say something insightful, say something sexy, say something, say something, just fucking say SOMETHING!'
"Well I know about sparks, I smoke cigarettes ALL the time."
He laughed. But not in that 'wow this girl is super funny, really smart and kinda hot' sorta way, but more in that 'yeah she's kind of a loser with no conversational skilllzzz' kinda way.
Pride is really stupid invention and I've decided to veto the want for it. It looks stupid with my white collared shirt anyway.
End o story.

OKay well it's time for me to lay my weary head down. Tomorrow is opening night so in 24 hours I will be drinking free wine, dancing in the Colony House living room, and laughing my ass off because the people at my job rule. And life is good.

People love puppies and babies.

2008-06-22T19:23:00.001-07:00

So I'm back...ish

I was never really not here. I was just lazy about writing, being funny, and busy as fuck.

Working at the theatre festival rulzzzzzz. Lovin all the time I get to spend there. I have myself a great time there. There are things that never fail working at the theater, some of these things are as follows: Love, sleep deprived 20 somethings with no money, beer and liquor, talking, drama, people who make me laugh so hard I die a little inside from being so happy, respect for the cleavage, gays, hotter than hell days, sweaty tech boys who make me pelvis thrust into the desk I sit behind, and OLD people with so much money they don't even know what it means when someone says they'll give you a beej for seven dollars.
Other than the senior citizen bitches, its good good good there. Someone even showed me their penis peircing. Gotta love knowledge.

I saw my Bretty last weekend. His visit came after a phone call warning me that I was "in trouble" and during a storm that made me nervous for my air conditioning....There is no fear like the one of losing cold air during a hot summer storm.
There was lighting and hard rain and those moments when the quiet seemed so safe I could have curled up and slept for days. And then is was over, cooler air came, and we said goodnight.....and then I watched the Lakers vs Celtics game.

Oh and you know that grocery store I used to work at and made me question life itself. Yeah, I still work there. Just a day or two a week for extra money but I'm still there. Now its different there and I'm a freakin celebrity. Its not exactly like Hello Doly when I'm there but I kissed a boy in the parking lot next to his truck. There's a part of my that will be white trash. He was a little sweaty and smelled like grass. What the hell was I supposed to do?
Ufortunatly that boy was not the cute meat boy. Because I love the CMB so much I can only have one decent conversation a month. He said hi to me last week and instead of saying "Hi, how are you? Its so good to see you. What's been up with you? Have I told you you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life" I looked at him like he was a huge truck and I was a stunned rabbit and then I loudly cleared my throat 40 times, threw up an awkward "hi" hand, and walked quickly into the bathroom, while focusing my glare to the tiled floor that is actually quite awesome when you think your about to throw up on your stupid collared shirt.
Who wants to kiss a girl who looks like she's about the shit her pants when all you've done is say a simple "Hi" ?
I'll tell you exactly who, not the cute meat boy.

Well its getting late and I'm throwing pots and eating mangos in my salad tomorrow. I gotta rest up for this excitement.

Ahh yes. Life is finally feeling good again. Summer means days that feel like real life.

Was it me or David Archuletta? I can never remember.

2008-05-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

I long long sigh of relief has been happening the past week. And now it has been topped off with American Idol, but I'll get to that later.

I paid my final 50 bucks to good ol GMC and now i'm walking in that shit next Saturday. I'm gonna put on that smock, tight hat, and gracefully recieve my reciept. Oh fuck it. The whole scene will probably be chill, but i'm looking forward to the after grad stuff. Like long islands and the end of my collge career.shit dawg.

Good stuff happening? funny you ask.

Number one magical moment last week...Brett is moving back to east coast very shortly. He's gonna be right here in three weeks. I'm so excited I could shave my eye brow off again. I want him to walk in the door and give me a giant perfect kiss and then not be complicated afterward. How will I do this you ask? Well shifty eyes. Works like a charm.

Number two kick in the face sweet moment....Any second with the cute meat boy. He pretty much looks in my direction and I'm sweaty and breaking out in hives within about a second. He's actually talking to me on a regular basis and I am slowly but surely relearning how to construct sentences in his presence.When he first starting talking to me my coversational skillz were limited to confirming or denying a question he might ask.
Example
Question "So you made all these cakes here?"
Answer "Yeah......I also mop floors"
Conversation over.

Question "You're from MIchigan, cool, How do you like there?"
Answer "Flat..............................Good, I like it."
COnversation over.

I know what your thinking. "She's a conversational wizard, whats her deal" Well I'll tell you what my deal is. I got Mr. Fucking Prince Charming standing in front of me and all I can do is smile like an idiot and watch the way his mouth moves when he says words. But its the most fun I've had in months.

And that brings us to the Idol. Wow. Will called during the debreifing and I think he could tell you how fucking serious I am about this show. There was some great moments and there were some horrible moments, All in all David Cook once again makes me want to hump my coffee table directly following the show.

I dare you to not hump your screen.

Because I can.

2008-04-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

Goodby Carly...you'll be missed, at least until Neil Diamond shows up.

2008-04-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've started and restarted a new post about a million times in the last week and a half.
something always comes up...someone walks in the door, I fall asleep sitting up, i'm not feeling all that entertaining, an episode of scrubs comes on. Life is busy here people.

the high note of the past few days has been only this. I shaved half of one of my eye brows off. Accidents happen and I now I look like a fucking exclamation point when I tilt my head to the side. Luckily my eyebrows grown like wildflowers and I work at a Shaw's, so no one asks any questions when you look like an asshole. Lucky, lucky, lucky me.

This weekend was pretty off the chain. I got to chill with some of the sweetest people in the world. Thankfully Alex's new girlfriend was so fucking awesome I could kick a dog in the face I'm so pumped I met her, Jamie didn't sneak in my apartment at any point and scare the shit out of me, and Margot remembered her Wii.
Highlights include the following...
!.) Sharing a smoke with Margs at the actual sight of the Da na na na na.
2.) Drunkie Hope-nuski
3.) American Idol karaoke. Not that I'm tryin to brag but I earned a Diomond Record and I was %100 awesome. I was all up in the American Idol Wii scene like David Cook....Gynie Cook, there's a ring to that. Rolls off the tongue.
4.) Delicious meat, corn, and potatoes on a picnic blanket.
5.) The New Yorker Game....I started strong but Jamie came back with a vengence. Bastard.
6.) Chattin with Margs, Alex, and Tempest at the bar but staying exclusively on the porch.
7.) Trip to P-Diddy!
8.) Warm Warm weather.
9.) Coffee with Kate and Margs.
10.) Reminising about how cool we used to be.

The only downfall of the entire weeken was unlike most of my friends I did not spend the majority of my days drinking beer in the sunshine. Instead I spent a good part of the time working or worrying about work or driving to work or hating my life because of work. I hung out in the moments in between but looking back they were only fucking moments. I was not in it to win it. I was in it to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I didn't spend the next day dry heaving into my cakes. This month I've made a grand total of -$35.........
...
...
..

.
.
this is a really special time....
Here's to you God, I've never felt more like a complete failure, ignorant virgin, or woman about to lose her mind if June doesn't get here a little sooner.
Someone burn that damn grocery store down. I'll pay you -$35.

oh for Christsake.

2008-04-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

I AM SHOCKED.

to say the least.

Blind side me why don't you Ryan fucking Seacrest you mean mean skinny tie wearing bastard.
Welll there you go, life goes on.
Jeez.

Americal Idol, you hurt so goooooood.

2008-04-09T18:49:00.001-07:00

Just in case anyone is wondering one of my dreams came true tonight. Big moment in the this Gynie Show.

All the American Idol contestants sang together. They sang together and do you know what they fucking sang??!!
That's right.
A song that has probably touched millions.
Seasons of Love from the beloved musical Rent.

Um yeah, I think that's enough to make anyone love a Wednesday.

....

2008-04-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl for once.

"I miss you so much it hurts sometimes"

Oh.....awkward.

My life has yet again been summed up by a scrubs clip.
Lovin it.

I'm constantly trying to better myself and further educate myself in any way that doesn't involve reading

2008-04-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

Get in it.
Why don't you just get in it.

Okay, Okay....I'm fucking in it already.

My stomach in achy and my butt in exploding. I can barely handle being around myself right now, due to the fact that I'm am my most unattractive self at this moment. This morning is a bad scene.
Kinda sweaty, unshowered, losing my beautiful fake tan, braless, day old make up barely holding onto my face, and I've spent most of my morning smoking cigarrettes and sitting on the toliet holding on for dear life.
Turns out I'm finally tall enough for a ride. Unfortunately my ride is a trip to hell.

On an up note, a note that pretty much drowns out the moans in my bathroom, I don't have to work today, Yay! No white colared shirt, no bread baking, no fighting frosting, no curly haired evil evil life sucking women, no overhead lighting, no way fuckers.

that's how is rolllzz.

Now take your dress off and end this little tea party

2008-03-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

My calculations are precise.

2008-03-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

Being tired.
Its a feeling that many people have these days. I have the feeling like bullet wound from a battle tragically lost during American Idol. That's the only battle feild I chose to accept these days.

I woke up for my day at 2 am. Some punk started yelling "I'm gonna fucking kill you" right next to my window last night. He was not yelling at me, although for a brief second I thought maybe today was the day a stranger would start yelling at my apartment for no reason. Anywho, he was yelling at someone who had broke some sort of window and he also added that he fucking hated this person. Over and over........at first it was cool. But its a Tuesday night, its 2 o'clock in the morning, and you're choosing to bare your deepest angers in the drive way of 310 Bentley. Not cool brother.
So I got on my big pink rain boots, marched my way to the middle of the drive-way still in my PJs and still half asleep, and yelled like I was having a child.
Although it may sound trashy, it was classy.
I mean, if I'm anything is this world, I'm a class act. That's why my prices are so high.

So after that little romp I got ready for work jumped in my car a 3:15 and drove. I didn't see one car until I got to Manchester. Vermont is very quiet a 3 in the morning. Its a spooky, mind blowing experience. But one that I would easily give up for an extra two seconds of sleep.
I worked. We're doing good numbers and the job I do is always done well. I make a shit ton of cakes and now I bake bread like a pro. But that doesn't make up for the fact that I don't talk to people in the break room. My boss told me its not very nice to read a book while people are on break with me, he said they wanna talk and all I do is read. Not accpetable.
I don't get paid for my breaks. I sign out. But according to Brad I have to volunteer my time during my break to listen to people talk about nothing. Its the only way to be accepted into the cult and more imortantly your social clique. Although this was not in my working contract it a well know fact that you must revert to being 15 years old while socailizing.
This whole job is like an awkward high school dance. This is where boys will boys and women know their place and if someone messes with the balance she will be executed.
I'm taking my break in my car again. This dash board doesn't judge me and the CD player isn't a tool bag.

And then finally home. And home never felt so good as it did this afternoon. If heaven exists it will be sitting in my living room, watching American Idol, and freakin out cause Chikeze was voted off.
It was an emotional roller coaster that was as close to pure happiness as I can possibly get.
There is magic in Ryan Seacrest's skinny tie.

Well I should go to bed.
Sleeping off this day it gonna be ficking Swwwweeetttt!

I'm gonna make some cakes like a woah that. Yep.

2008-03-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

Well I'm here.
Just here.
I went over to my most recent man mess last night. And there I was, Watching The Ledend of Bager Vance and thinking yeah I'm pretty attracted this person. He wasn't singing to me tonight. Which makes me think that his previous concerts were due to the fact that we were watching American Idol. And that shit makes anything excusable.
Kinda like my horrible crush on one of the contestants, who I could get arrested for....Excusable.

So we're chillin and I'm thinking, yeah this shit might happen. The movie stops. He uses the fact that he wants to "fight" me to get close to me. This also gives him the freedom to cop a feel. I respect him...no one has used than line since I was 15. pause for effect. Yeah, that's to many days ago.
So we're "fighing" and he kisses me. I had forgot he had a tongue ring, until a metal rod was stabbing at my gums. La La La that keeps going on. All the while I'm trying to think of an exit plan that won't wound his ego. But he was really into whatever was happening cause I must have kissed him fro like a million hours. Finally exit plan in progress I get outta there.
He mentions we should do this again sometime and that whatever was happening was awesome and really hot...blah blah blah
And I'm chillin there, thinking "Really?"
I went home tired, happy, a little sweaty, freshly kissed, and not horny at all. What is wrong with me? Its like my vagina has decided to turn completely off. I just wanna paint pictures and smoke cigarrettes. Now that's a commitment I'm willing to make.
Maybe I actally am a heartless bitch. That's all I could come up with as I was walking into my apartment. Oh maybe I'l just waiting to see what happens with my California lover. But I don't want to believe that. I guess I'll know in April. Oh maybe not and I'll be this crazy for the rest of my life in every relationship I have. Swwwweeeeettttt. ha.

On that note. Tyra Banks is fucking nuts. I can't even believe she exists.
That woman scares me. Scares me in the way that monsters and blood do.

Just do it

2008-03-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

This is what is happening.....go back and forth between the videos....man that shit has some fire.

Are we there yet?

2008-03-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

I hate hate hate my job.
Today Vona's voice boomed over the speaker in the store. It was like satin himself was telling me there was a call in the bakery. Her voice makes me wanna throw up. And the day I do actually voimit because of her words, I hope she's right next to me so a little goes in her mouth.
That'll teach her.

May will be here soon and that is when I will be like "Peace out shitty job" I'm gonna chill old school with the crazy actors and happy children on the stage. That'll teach you.
Have the crazy woman make cakes, even though she could never make a Horton Hears a Who cake that looks like the book and makes kids and adults smile. That reminds me, today I found out I can draw Horton the elephant on a cake like a winner. Can't wait till I can make another cake that isn't ballons and roses.
I don't understand why people like ballons and roses so much. Its like that the only thing that can truely say Happy Birthday. Who decided that? I'm really like to meet that guy. He could probably pipe a mean border, but what happens when you want something that doesn't look like infated rubber and/or plants. He probably melts down.

And now I'm gonna watch the Ultimate Recipe Showdown. This show keeps you one the edge of your seat. Not quite like American Idol but so close.
I'm lying.
Its not even close to American Idol.

Oh yeah, another very important side note.
I got to play guitar hero this weekend. I miss that game the way I miss old lovers. I just want it in my life everyday.
Sometimes you gotta accept the little time you get with the thing you love.

You smell like pie and child labor laws....but only when I stand up wind of you.

2008-03-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today was very very fine today.
I woke up very very early. I had an American Idol date with Frank last night. American Idol was fuckin kick ass and having someone to watch it with that was super excited was fucking awesome, But after the show it was not as super awesome. The guy is pretty chill but he likes to sing. This guy is a singer.
And I don't think one has lived until she in interuted mid conversation because this hug beast of man sitting next to her wants to belt out some show tunes. I think he officially cured my want for my life to be one giant musical. Turns out its kinda awkward. He's also more self involed than I am. I'm way way way to self invovled to be with someone who shares that with me.
Patience has never been something I've been able to claim.

But it was very very icey last night. So instead of driving home I decided to walk. I decided to walk even after an invitation to stay the night. I slid all the way home with my pink boots in all their glory.
So i woke up and walked back....its a long walk to make before 8 in the morning. It was like taking the walk of shame to and from nowhere at all. When I got home Brett called...he was a little cranky, but it happens. Still a good thing he called when he did, it made my night seem more like sunny skies, bad tans, warm weather, and weird weird love.

Long story short....

I decided to wacth American Idol alone tonight. Best choice I've made in a few years by far.

And then to kick my day up a notch. I fucking met Peter Krause today. And by met I mean scanned his items, asked for his money, chatted for a while about the weather and his vacation, and then bagged his shit perfectly. He even said "Nice talk to you Angie" He's one of those name tag guys...i like that a lot. As soon as he was outta the store I checked his credit card slip and yes it was him....Krause, Peter. I'm a stalker. If he was like a second more famous I could have been in People next week as his new Vermont clerk girlfriend.
Its pretty fuckin weird to see someone in real life that you watched on a television show on DVD. His face holds many memories of Alaska and Jordan and being the freshman and thinking I was way cooler than I actually was.

(For all ya'll who don't know, Peter Krause played Nate in Six Feet Under.)

So that was sweet. Life hands ya little things to let you know there's cool shit out there.
Sew that on a pillow.
Or design a Precious Moments pastel sculptue with that theme

But then on the way home from my kick ass celebrity bagging date, I ran over a bunny. It was very very sad, I sort of cried. Its really shocking to think that my car could kill something. Seeing as how I relate my car to being pretty chill and a place to sing musical numbers without the judgment of the outside world.
Bunnies are awesome, if I could wear a braclet to express my pain, I would. Braclets are a good way to let people know you have a deep inner side that you have a firm grip on.
Bunnies....life changing.

Well I should sleep. I have many hours of work tomorrow and I'm decorating cakes all day. Life is good baby. Good.

His jawline is like a knife on its way to nowhere.

2008-03-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

Well people I had a few experiences today.
Not really important ones. So if you have something better to do, go do it. Then maybe come back when you're just randomly surfing the internet and want to kill some time. That's basically what these things that have happened add up to.
Not much.

First off, started my morning talking to my lil sis. Literally started my day this way. I got out of bed and BAM...she was on the phone.The conversation was mostly about her, I tried to keep it that way because when she tells me her thoughts on my life I get very nervous. Her words are kind of like being hit in the mouth with a wet a fish....and she can be sort of a cunt. So we stuck to the subject at hand....HER WEDDING. This is not a drill people, my little sister is getting married next year. Her five year plan is coming along slendidly. She even has a dress and has assigned me a mint green bridesmaid outfit. If you're reading this and you happen to be at this wedding next year, I'll be the drunk one in the corner. I'll probably be tan. Oh and my mom will probably also be drunk, so we might be sitting together.

And then I decided to dye my hair. I had to do it myself because its not fun for other people to do and I have nothing to offer them in return for an hour of pulling my hair through small holes in an attractive plastic cap. So I was thinking I could just do it myself. So I did. I started pulling the hair through the holes. The whole time I was thinking "this isn't so hard, why does everyone say this is so hard, this is so easy, why don't people say this is easy." Well I'll tell you why, because the back of the head exists. When I realized this it was like I had just learned a deep secret about my life. I ending up doing my whole head by myself, but not while singing a happy working song. I spent the whole time setting up mirrors so i could see the mythical back of my head and then dealing with my numb arms. In the end, I have slightly blonde hair. Next time I'm hiring a child. Maybe my brother's child...because before my yonger sister gets married my younger brother will be a father.
ha
hahaha
haha

Is it wrong that I think everyone has lost their fucking minds?
I have to blame it on them because if they're not crazy, than I am. And I'm trying to pretend I'm sane for the time being.
And thats my two cents.

When did I stop making sticks with ribbons?

2008-02-27T15:03:00.000-08:00

What a fucking day.
I started training as a cashier to pick up some extra hours. Fuck that noise.
My friend Matt is a manager up there. He's pretty awesome...sometimes he makes me laugh. I was pumped to hang out with him. Unfortunately he did not train me. An older woman did. Vooonnnnnaaaaa.....she is a trip and a half.
Her husband died 6 months ago. She told me this about 341 times today. She talks about being a widow the way I talk about being an artist. Like it was something she had to go to school for and she has literally earned a degree in having her spouse die. But two seconds later she talks abotu how much of a hit she is at the senior citizen center. I guess she really struts her newly single goods there. All the men says she got the best old ass they've ever seen. I'll be honest, if I were a horny 78 year old, I'd tap that.
But only if she didn't talk. Her voice seeps through my veins like pieces of glass that are on fire. I listened to her all day and I actually had to listen becasue she's the one who was telling me what to do. By the end of the day I didn't need her anymore. The better I did at my job the less she talked. I decided to make it my own personal game to see how long I could get her to go without talking. My high score was about a half an hour. She has tomorrow off so I win by default. I think I've created the best game ever, it may be more addictive than Guitar Hero.

Nah not quite.

I'm also the topic of conversation at the grochery story because I said something I shouldn't have to the destrict manager. Keep in mind that as soon as I was introduced to Marcel, his title soon followed. I had to hold back my laughter becasue my mind instantly connects to Steve Carrel's character in The Office. I wish I could have recorded this guy, he was everything and more. I mean I could write a book about this guy and I only talked to him for about 3 minutes. But word gets around when you work for a corporation and he knew who I was way before I even knew he existed. He had a plan when he said those few words to me.

"So how are you liking your job?" he asked with this big goofy smile on his face. He asked like he was expecting me to literally get down on my knees and praise his name tag because my job rocked so hard.
But I contined wiping down the counter, laughed under my breath and said "Its not the worst job I've ever had" and then gave him my best 'your my favorite customer smile"
He in turn smiled nervously and replyed "Well, lets work on this being the best job you've ever had." I could tell he wanted to give me an freindly pat on the back and do a secret handshake. He wanted to know that he was the district manager to the happiest underpayed overworked people in the universe. He wanted to sleep soundly that night.He wanted to be the prettiest girl at the ball.
Luckily there were customers waiting for me to get them a peice of delicious carrot cake, so I excused myself and left him standing there with Sheryl. Sheryl, the bronzed store manager who shapes her bangs to a perfect point and curls the ends of her bob into perfect half circles. SHe looks like a walking pyramid. I lovingly call her triangle head.
She later explained to me that I could learn a lot from him. I lovingly disagreed.

And there's what I like to think of as my "real" life.
I'm working on new work for a gallery in Nova Scotia that I was nominated to be a part of. I've decided to to stray away from the city scene and gravitate towards something I know more intimately....irony. I've never felt so much a part of my art. It feels so much like something I was born to tell. As i am creating these characters its interesting to see how much they relate to the people in my life. Its a quiet way of judgement that puts me in the narrator position.
My dating scene is sometimes a part of this "real" life. Although not that often. But today when I got home from work I had a message from a voice I always look forward to hearing. "Hey I was just thinking about how you like to put ribbons on sticks.I like that about you. I went to a cafe and someone had put some ribbons on a stick and hung it like you do. I never got that, but they get it out here. Maybe if you answered your phone more often I could tell you about these things." He went on to threaten me if I was screening my calls and then apologized. And then he said he missed me more than the snow. I like hearing his deep voice talk about sticks with ribbons. Its kinda like giving a starving man some fruit, a peice of bread, maybe a latte with thick foam. It just feels good.

Timing is such a bitch.

I was laughing and dancing and freaking the hell out

2008-02-25T17:59:00.000-08:00

I had a marelous night with the one and only Kate Glenn. My drive up there was a bit scarey. The roads to Paul Smith are not straight nor are they lined with lights and signs that that point me directly to the destination. I never got lost, I did however get extremely paranoid. This lead to me stopping every other mile to ask for directions and making a 2 hour trip take 3 hours. I also had no idea I'd have to drive through Lak Placid, the home to the 1980 Olympics. Its like a city that never got over high school. And by the way, Lake Placid still have all their Christmas lights up, wreaths, bulbs, trees and all. It was freaking amazing. Olymic obsesion behind, Christmas saved Lake Pacid in my mind.
In the end I got there. And welcome to sausage fest 2008, thank you very much God for inventing a foresty major. I've never seen that many men in one place in a very long time. I have also never seen so many steel toed boots...they look good with any outfit. So do camo vests, very slimming.

Another great thing happened. Kate had to go play grown up this morning after breakfast, so I watched Across the Universe. Woah what an amazing film. The story is kinda blah, but it doesn't matter. I wanna watch this movie everyday until I die. When the genius of the Beatles is mixed with the awesomeness of a musical....words cannot describe the happiness that comes over every dark part of my life. The movie even furthered my unhealthy want to have my own life be a musical. All I want is one song. 3 minutes of my life at any point in time. When everyone in the room or on the street or in the resturant knows the words to the same song. There willl obviously be a lot of fresh dance moves going on, smiling, and fucking jazz hands. And thats it. Then we all go home and move on with our lives. Its a smal thing really...some little girls want ponies. I want Gene Kelly and melodies in the rain.

So here's my fav clip from the movie. Kate loved the movie but mentioned that this is one of the worst parts to the movie.
I disagree.

I'm gonna give up all the current men I'm dating and actively pursue someone British. A vest would be a plus.
I recomend anyone who is single to do this. It'll probably be worth it.

The Wal-Mart in Sandusky Michigan is a palace of great deals and world peace.

2008-02-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

I big sigh of relief is running through my body.

I got to hang out with real people last night...all the world makes sense when you get to talk about the world with people who fuckin get you. Even if you end up admitting shit that you desperately wanted to keep to yourself. I'm the worst secret keeper in the world, even if they're my own fucking secrets. Do not tell me things that you don't want anyone to know. I will post that shit on YouTube, write a song about it, and maybe star in a reality show about it. Then I'll be like "Dude I told you, you only have yourself to balme"

But then I'll do my Snoop Dog impression when I get drunk. So it might be a situation that's worth getting into. Gotta weigh the give and take precisely.

So Ang, how's the dating going? Um do not ask this question. I do not have an answer that will make sense. I did get an awesome letter from my favorite this morning. A hand written letter, its always so sickenly romantic when I get these letters. And I would totally laugh at these notes if I wasn't so helplessly melted afterward. I hate when my new critical view of love is challenged. He'll be much closer in March and I'm gonna be so pumped to see his face walk into my door. I then I get the kiss. The kiss I had to awkwardly avoid the last time he was here because my boyfriend was in the other room.

Oh I just have to say this. Babies. What is the fuckin deal with babies. There is practically a motosycle gang of pregnant women in my life. Jesus christ, when did I get to the point in my life where my friends and family getting pregnant doesn't mean another woman to add to the teen statisic of kids not using birth control. I have to be excited that someone is gonna squat out a child and act like its a completely normal part of life. Woah. Am I on acid right now?

I had an out of body experience this week. Teaching a class for a day. Did you know that I actually know things? Did you know that helping someone figure out their work is incredibly rewarding? Did you know that I loved every second and it sealed my choice to go the grad school? Did you know that after the class I talked to Richard and I fucking love that man with all my heart? Well if you didn't now you know, and thats how I rock your face off. I tell you things that you don't need to know but make you better person.

or something like that

The Musical Solution to my hate for all that is work.

2008-02-20T21:06:00.000-08:00

I didn't know you had lock jaw.

2008-02-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness....I have tomorrow off. After eight days of making cakes and cookies and blah blah blah I have a freaking day off. One thing about working at the bakery that I have found in the past week...I hate everyone there. Sometimes.

My boss is crazy. Not like "Oh man that guy is awesome, he's crazy" More like "Oh man I think that guy got hit in the head with a bat, he's crazy." He always makes the jokes, but they're not even jokes. They're horrible, awkward words in a sentence structure. These "jokes" make you wonder where the punch line is. You wonder until he starts laughing so hard a wet spot appears on his crotch and you realize he thinks he's so funny that he's literally made himself pee. And then he stops and almost whispers under his breath "That's funny...yeah that's funny and if you don't think that's funny you can get the hell out of the bakery right now, right now" And he's crazy enough to actually commit murder if some one did in fact think he was not funny. I never think anything he says is funny, but I just make an inapporate comment about my vagina and he usually leaves me alone. Its a harsh world out there and you gotta know what the hell works.

Then there's Shirley. The oldest person I've ever met. She appears to be this sweet old lady. She has a little granny voice, she walks slower than I thought possible, and she's just so old. The truth...she is fuckin evil. Sometimes she totally freaks out or tells me how much she hates certain people. She would also kill people, but she's blame that shit one someone else.

And that's just the tip of the gems I've met....

I usually take my breaks in the car. If I go to hell, I will forever be in the break room. Everyone who works at the grochery store takes they're breaks in the same little white dirty room. And no one can be in the break room without talking, everyone always has to be talking. Its the first time in my life when I just don't want anyone to fucking talk. What do they talk about...hmm lets see. A lot of wrestling, a passionate love for Nascar, and hot women. Its a fucking boys club. I feel like I should be smoking cigar, holding my penis, and slapping a hooker's ass everytime I have to go in that room. Today a real shining star started up a conversation with me. He literally read me the newspaper, even though I has holding a book I was desperately trying to read for a least two seconds of my break. And then outta nowhere says, "You know what, there ain't tit for jobs in Vermont if your not some college educated jack ass"
......
...
...
...
what do you say to that.
I couldn't even respond to the "college educated jack ass"commet" becasue I was so amazing with his use of the word tit.
I just felt respect for this guy. Even though he was a compete fuckin tit.

And that's about where I'm at.
I'm gonna watch American Idol....don't judge me.

I kicked her because the bitch stole my taco

2008-02-14T19:51:00.001-08:00

I had a strange day.
And that's that.
I have weird relationships with most people I know, esspecially men. I think that's the safest thing I've ever wrote on this journal.

It's Valentines Day. Although I feel its my duty as a single person to be angry and all up in your face about how lame this day is, I'm not going to. I'm not going to because I have this day completely under control. You may be asking yourself 'how? that sounds completely impossible. I know Angie, she's crazy....sometimes she's the funny crazy, but mosrt days its just weird and unnerving, there's just no effing way"
Well my friends you are wrong. Becaue today was pretty kick ass day. And here are some of the highlights
A) I kick ass.
B.) I made a lot of cakes for other people's valentines, and I just wasn't in the mood for cake. They produce a lot of crumbs, and that's just a big commitment to eat something like that.
C.) Dave fixed my finger while I was working, and then he asked me out on a date....he's gonna pay. I love free food.
D.) Talked to my California lover. He's pretty and makes me smile like a fool on drugs.
E.) I like the color red.

So obviously this day was aweseom. The only sorta bad thing was my accidental exposure. As I was leaving the bakery, Dave stopped me to tell me something...something about the bread tomorrow...I dont know. As I he has talked I took off my horrible ugly white work shirt that reminds me I work for the man and the tank top I was wearing underneath had sliped down....and then he saw the girls. They were shining in all their valentine glory. Usually I'm not scared of people seeing them, but for some reason the moment caught me off guard and I wanted to fall the floor and curl up in the fetal position. The one where your nipples are completely covered. And so now Dave wants me to be the mother of his children....people love to get a nipple peek. Hell I even like it. It reminds you of the simple things in life.

Hey...lets fold scarves!

I'll probably marry link.

2008-02-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

I kick ass.

2008-02-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

I had a great great day. I finally got a new table....after how many months??? Jeez Ang get on that. Anywho, I put it all together myself, moved things in and out of my apartment like the Hulk. I was literally growling and turning green as I lugged that huge red excuse for a picnic table down my ice rink steps. Luckily I was wearing bright pink rain boots, so everything was evened out.

Somedays my jokes don'y go over well..."oh you weren't actually talking about tossed salads, you were talking about children getting raped in Africa..I don't get it"
Yeah well, you wouldn't. Jeeesh, you try to bring a level sophisication to a conversation and this is what happens. You know what, eat me..no I'm not talking about salads again. You know, what I'm over this. You suck. Now go buy me a beer. Oh and I'm definetly not sleeping with ever. Actually forget about the beer I'm gonna go watch Two and Half Men until American Idol comes on. I just wanna watch people sing. Then maybe I'll check out Hairspray. I love cross dressed jazz handing people. I gives me hope for this great nation of ours.

So its been an amazing day. I also finished washing ALL my clothes, sheets, towels, and all my other stuff that needed to be washed like a germ soaked bag of everything my life has been the last two weeks. Its awesome how rewarding a trip to Poultney's Laundromat can be. I was even so kind as to making a silver star out of aluminum foil.

And that's all that happening tonight.

I wanna say "that's what she said" but I can't. It is too obvious and not really funny. But I thought about it...I thought about it really hard. And that what I said.

Food for thought....

2008-02-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Is painting dead?
A question that Dick brought up in class.
What haven't we seen?
Makes me think of the conversation that Dawn and I have had serveral times about how there's only really about 20 stories in the world of heartbreak and happiness.
Is there really nothing that has happened to me that hasn't happened a million times to people just like me.
Its depressing and comforting is a stange sorta way.

So what can be said about that?
i don't know.
hmmmmm.....

A woman without a man it like a fish without a bicycle.

2008-01-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

When I get a new sweater from Old Navy its the most amazing feeling in this world. I see it, I want it, its amazing. It has a tight knit, it has this color that makes the area right under my neck look tan in that healthy glow way. Its a V-neck that shows a classy amount of cleavage and it looks great with my favorite glass leaf necklace. After I buy it, I get to wear it and I love it. I love it so much I wanna wear it every day. Sometimes I do.
But sometimes I hate damn thing the next day. And then I wish I would have bought a new pair of boot cut jeans.
And that's really how life goes somedays.
I think that buying Old Navy sweaters is the closest I've ever come to real love. Old Navy and Guitar Hero.

It should be said now that I finally slept with someone. The first since my break-up with Mr. B.
It is interesting to be with this other man. He's an old lover because I have to recylce them so that my number doesn't get much higher than my age. Kind of like pop cans, sometimes you even get your deposit back.
Although I have decided that this man is not my boot cut jeans I actually want, he is still an amazing person. And we are causally enjoying eachothers company. His memory of me is so perfect. Its so nice to meet people who choose to remember all the positvie things about you. You gotta love that shit. Esspecially when you know you're a spaz.
He says you were always "good, warm, and funny".
I like that, I like that becasue its one of those weird romantic comedy things someone says. It doesn't happen very often and seeing as how my life goal is to live in a movie with a great soundtrack and a cheesy passionate kiss ending, it gives me hope. Hope that my life will be less like a horrible reality series and more like the Sound of Music. I truly believe that Julie Andrews will pop out of my toaster oven when I'm getting sexed up by the man I'm supposed to be with.

I have a date on Saturday, with another man. A date, just the word sounds like a joke. People date on Sex in the City....I live in Poultney and I don't even know Sarah Jessican Parker.

So there's that to think about.

I perform Illusions, tricks are what whores do for money.

2008-01-29T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm working for the man and it feels good. Cause this girl is bout to get ppaaaiiiidddd. I can pay my bills, even if that means I have to wear a white Oxforfd EVERYDAY! Luckily white makes me look tan tan tan....sometimes.

People at work are pretty chill. Sometimes I want to shout out inapproriate things. Or tell someone something that would make them cry. Like this "Hey sometimes when I eat to many Pizza flavored Pringles chips, my gums bleed." Then I could walk away and decorate a cake and just let them stew on that for a while. In yo face everyone who works at the bakery and knows where all the damn plastic containers go. I'll put that shit where I want and then I'll drop it like its hot.

Chatting with my boy from a different time zone, whose life is closer to the ocean I'm not close to. He laughs at all the stupid jokes I make, even when I know that I didn't even deserve a laugh. I respect that shit. Then when I actually am funny, he gets this deep down to the bones laugh that I can feel from 3000 miles away. I miss his face near mine. He smells good and he makes me laugh with his awkward, serious guy humor. He'll be here in March and its pretty possible that I will fuck it up again and be a weird commitment phob, maybe even a mad cow but I will get a few days of love love love. That's man's patience with my shit leaves me standing in awe drooling like a chump. And maybe I won't fuck it up, maybe I'll eat thunder and shit lighting, maybe it'll all work out. I would make kick ass jew. That's a fact.

Well I'm gonna get to watching some Sex and the City, drinking some tea, and smoking my last cig of the night. It will be a great end to this strange strange day.

Somedays you get a chance for breathe for 2 seconds. I will take these precious 2 seconds and fill them with the most relaxed in and out that I can muster.....................
.....

.....

that's what she said.

That's a bitch ass trick.

2008-01-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed at the world today. I'm pissed at the world so hard that if the world was sitting in my living room right now, I would kick the world in the crotch so hard that the world would never be able to have children again. Don't let me mistake you for the world today, because you will be unable to have children after our visit.

I've been in my apartment aaaaaaallllllllllll day. The air in here is poisinous. My living room floor is caked in paper, tape, paint, markers, and some finished art peices. I was a tragic artist today...I can only handle being one of these a few times a month. If you let your creativity completely contol you for too long you will have smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, drank 14,000 cups of coffee, and talked to yourself for about the whole day straight. Then you will grab some drinks and you'll feel the need to be an alcoholic. Fight the urge, you'll regret it the next morning when you can't see straight, your make-up that was once on your face has melted onto your chest, and you can't feel your kneecaps.

Somedays you just have to give yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself, today is that day. I like my life, I'm so excited for my new job and the new boys and my apartment, just not today. Why, you ask? Because all my friends are couples....and sometimes they forget that I am single. They forget when they kiss the shit out of eachother while I sit there watching like a mentally challenged third wheel, they forget when they have to be alone for a few days and are convinced that they will choke and die and no one will find their dead body, they forget that I spend most of my days alone and quiet, they forget when they look at me like a child because I decide to hook up with an old lover, they forget when they tell me I should get a new boyfriend so we can play with even numbers again. So why don't I hang out with single people? Because they're just as annoying as I just was for a whole a paragraph and coupled friends don't let you feel sorry for yourself because they are happy. BUt unlike them after a day at my great new job, when I walk into my awesome apartment there will be no one here. I might get a call, which I appreciate....but no one will have cleaned the house for me, no one will be here to eat dinner with and smoke a cig with, and no one will actually care that I feel sorry for myself. So to all you single peeps who wish that life would fucking hand you a bone....a bone in the form of a wonderful man who talks to you, kisses you, is awesome in the sack, and acts like a man, go ahead and take the day to cry and scream and fuck it.
But tomorrow...get over it...this is what I'm gonna do.
Tomorrow I will clean my house, take a shower, laugh, and get the fuck over myself. There are starving children in African and they don't give a shit if I have a boyfriend or not.
But today I'm gonna indulge the want. Because when all your friends are coupled, married, engaged, or pregnant, you get premission to cry because you're not having sex on a regular basis.

My other excuse for feeling like shit: I'm bleeding like a fresh roast beef. My ovaries have aparently learned some skills that are similar to the skills of razors, hammers, and fire. Because the entire lower area of my body is exploding. Being a woman is so overrated.

I'm gonna keep painting...and then sleep early.

Oh and comedians with puppets are stupid....they are the least funny people in the world. They are just as not funny as Tyra Banks.

Its funny that you said that because I agree with you with the conviction of seven arabian princesses.

2008-01-23T20:21:00.000-08:00

Soon I will have fun stories from the bakery world. I get to play with frosting all day and make pretty cakes and make people smile because they are eating sugar and chocolate and they love it. It is the perfect job. Kinda like getting some front to front action with someone who knows what they're doing.

I've recieved two "remember me" emails in the past week from men....maybe its been longer than a week. I put off answering these because my initial reaction to these little notes is "This guy is a douche" But then I take a minute to realize that I'm a critical bitch who will always be alone if I don't give people a chance. Then I write a sarcastic, funny note back, with a little bit of sweetness so I don't sound like an angry old woman with 14 cats who yells at children who walk on my lawn. And that's when I get myself into a little trouble...and by little I mean that I have no self control. If men and sex were like herion, my arms would be black and blue and I wouldn't be able to feel the tips of my fingers anymore. Their Hershey Kiss nipples, hairy backs, and horrible lines pull me in like a drunken jock at a rufie party.

So how do I defend my goodies? Hide in my apartment...good call. And it actually works pretty well. Except for the nights. Most nights I sleep straight through, I enjoy my bed all to myself. Its a happy corner of this apartment. But some nights I completely freak myself out. I can convince myself that a serial killer has just broke the lock on my door, walked in, read the mail on my table, checked my empty fridge for food, smoked one of my camels, took a pee, downed a shot of whiskey, and is just about to come into my room. When I can clear this thought from my head I literally run to my bathroom, make my pee come out as fast as I possibly can, and then run back as fast as I can. When I finish running like a small child, I always realize that I'm a spaz who needs to get over living alone...................
......
...
......
....
......
..
...
...
and I'm over it.

Played Guitat Hero tonight. It was awesome, but Metallica you can go fuck yourself. I hate you for writing that song and inspiring the makers of Guitar Hero to create the digital version on a plastic, rainbow buttoned guitar even harder than it probably is to play on a actual guitar. Being a virtual musician is harder than most people know. Slash may be a great gutiar legend, but he could never rock Cliffs of Dover on Meduim the way I do.

I tend to think in long sentences with no real point. I like that about living alone.

Yup, this is my favorite of the day.

2008-01-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

Happiness is a cold drink.

2008-01-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

Just watch it and enjoy

2008-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

I bumped my lip on biscuit you slut. Edit Edit Edit.

2008-01-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

So the most important thing I neeed to talk aboout. This is serious and is not to be taken lighty. Deap breath and....I'm a Guitar Hero rock legend. Some of you may remember the days of Mario Cart and Super Smash, I was not good. In fact, people may have said "That Angie, she is actually bad at these games, its not even fun to play with her because she lacks the skillz to make playing worth while" Well to all you na sayers, I say in your face suckazzz!!! I rock at guitar hero and I am actually competion. I only had one day of victory with Mario Cart, which to this day Alex denies. Well I challenge you to guitar hero so there will be no question about my ability to melt your face with my virtual guitar playing skilllz. I'm always getting better and I just know how to feel the beat, Jealous? You should be.

The Shaw's job is in the bag. Word. The people who work there are crazy. Like my kind of crazy, so they are pretty much awesome. Awesome like champions. I like people who are winners. I esspecially like people who don't win but then act like they do after the race. Those are the people I wanna chill with. I'm actually jealous of how awesome I could become working at a sweet job like that. I'm ready. (there's Rocky music playing in my head right now, on a loop, so it just keeps jammin)

I will rock your face off with my decorating skilllzzz. Edible images, yup gonna be learning a shit load about edible images.

And now to correct mistakes made in my last post

"and the bubble bursts ... she'll be a sophomore at Plymouth State in May, hasn't 'dated' anyone, and is enjoying random casual sex with the fudgemeister himself, not Mr. B. But don't let that ruin your Shaw's bakery legacy; yes, it's a terribly pathetic accessory to your delusional existence" unknown writer.

Apparently I recieved some bunk information from a friend of an ex lover man. I will take back the things I said to clear the air. I cannot take back that the post was funny. Funny. That's why I write on this thing for all to read. To be funny, to inflate my ever growing, ironic ego. I will make fun of you for smoking while I light one up, I will tell you your music sucks while I'm listening to musicals, I will make fun of you for your current dating satus while I'm unwillingly staying celibate and literally watching my hymen grow back. It may have been wrong for me to post the things I did, but I don't claim to be the Encyclopedia Britanica here, the "Gynie Show" is in no way a reputable peer reviewed journal. Take what you will from what I say. I'm an not a writer, I just play one on the internet. I'm also 5' 10'', blonde, skinny, with high check bones, a tight ass, and average sized breasts. Just kidding, I have huge party hats.

So I take it back and apologize. But I will not erase it because in the moment I wrote it, I sincerly thought it was true. And I really thought it was funny. Sometimes you gotta take a risk to make the joke. Lesson learned.

I need a cigarette. Like a freakin beast of tabacco.

I blame Oprah for the fact that John Krasinski is not my lover.

2008-01-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well ladies and gentleman, life has decided to tickle my funny bone once again. Its as if this world just won't stop, it keeps getting better and better. After a little chat with an old friend from my relationship with Mr. B. Smalls...I was told that he is, in fact, dating a girl who is still in high school.....and to add a sweet little cherry on that cheap Stewart's sundae, this girl is also doing the private front to front with Mr. E! E! E! E! himself, Noah. hahahah
hahah
ahahah
ahahaha
hahahah

hahaha

It hurts so good to be the sane one some days.

And where does that leave me you ask? I could cry into fourteen glasses of wine knowing that my stupid ex is bangin some girl who probably like totally gushes over him in 5th period, with all her super popular friends, who like all have personalized ipods and spend 40 hours a day on myspace. But I have decided to take the high road. Only one glass of wine, no tears, 5 hours on facebook, a rant on my blog, and a small Friends marathon to get me to sleep.

Even though I don't have some hot young jail bate to have sex with, I do have a "contract" with Brett to marry him if we're still single at 30. Suck on that Trebek...

I have a job interview at the Shaw's bakery tomorrow, please tell me that sounds less pathetic than it feels. Doesn't matter how many resumes I send out....working at a grochery store with my degree in Fine Arts was always what I wanted to do. Esspecially now that I'm single and living below Jesus, who just happens to look like an overweight 60 year old woman that used to be into coccaine and acid...and it married to the town drunk.

Life is a magical ride.
Join me, won't you?

Elizabeth Taylor knows how to suffer

2008-01-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

I read some of my old live journal entries today. That was the best idea ever. God, I was freakin hilarious. Where do I send those? because I think I could make alot of money just on being really funny and awesome. I actually feel bad for the entire world because they may never know the extent of my genius. Their loss.

I'm just as weird now. Let's take this second for example. I've been watching TBS all night. The Wedding Planner and then The Wedding date....twice. Being me is pretty awesome. I started cleaning during all of this. Just cleaning and moving things, moving things that looked fine in that corner...but for some reason I just don't think those things should be in that corner any more. And this should be moved 1/16 of an inch to the side and the color isn't right on that wall and I think we all should just clean our places of living. Then you never have to really work things out or make desicions because at least you have your fucking house clean. I will rock you.

I think in the end I will be dancing, dancing with a man with dark eyes, and dark hair, with a deep voice, who smells really really good adn won't have weird patches of hair on their back...and then we'll come home and watch Scrubs, because that show is hilarious.

Its Sunday....so I'm gonna continue to wacth TBS.

and that's what happens.

Just pick one paragrpah cause this is a ridiculous rant.

2007-12-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

The holidays are nearing an end. It has been a year of "Fuck Christmas" . Oh, and while we're at it "Fuck 2007" too. I looked at Christmas lights and still felt a little warmth but that was the end of it. It was love hate relationship this year.

I went home for a week. It was eye-opening, kick in the crotch of reality to say the least. Strangely enough, I wasn't ready to leave when I did. Maybe becasue I spent to most part of it drunk or done for in other ways. I sang "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr in a bar with carpet and countless colored lights lining the walls, drinking a Long Island, near people I haven't seen in years, smoking a cigarette, wondering why all nights couldn't just feel as unreal as this. The people of Peck are an interesting breed and my mind almost exploded through my ears as I tried to understand this world that I grew up in. I'm a child of this town, it's an intense this to claim. It's strange how all the desicions I have made in my life would have been completely wrong for every one back home, but they were just right for me. There is a uncomfortable feeling of comfort in that.

My brother got married. My younger brother got married during Christmas. I'm pretty happy for him. But my angry side, is all like why you tryin to take Christmas? So it's Christmas right? and it's sorta my thing to be into Christmas. I think about Charlie Brown all year just waiting to be able to watch the holiday special. I love coming home and being cool and different and wearing scarves that apparently make me look like someone not from Michigan. And the attention is almost to awesome. And then to top it off I get presents. So Christmas is supposed to be kick ass. Well this year my brother got married. I was demoted to coat girl this Christmas. Life time commitments are aparently all the rage this year and I just missed the fuckin boat. The biggest commitment I've made in the past few months was my year subsciption to W magazine. People don't really give you hugs or money for commitments like that.

I'm talking to two new men. Nameless men because I can't deal with explaining either one of them. Argh. I want to be open to these things. I really do and I mean that. But it's been a long time since I've had a decent comversation with a person that I would also like to have sex with. I want you to talk dirty, but in a way that also makes my mind work. I mean I can only have so many conversations about my breasts. I get it they are large. Congratulations you notcied the biggest things that stick out of my chest, you're not a tricky pirate who just found a hidden treasure. The sky is blue, the grass in green, it snows in Vermont, there are starving children in Africa, and I have boobs....all things that don't need to be discussed to be noticed. JEEEZZZ.

My mom calls this side of my cynical, and this side of me makes me kind of a huge bitch. Its unfortunate that this seems to be something that will stick with me, like an STD. Is there an STD that cause sarcasm and cynicism? I know its not herpes, but I think its pretty close. It just itches the same.

And the bitch of the whole situtation is remembering the coversations I used to have with Mr. B Smalls before I he even got a chance to feel up my boobs. He just talked to me. He was charming, smart, and I just wanted to listening to his words trying to understand his way of thinking. That feeling made me want to get all up in that shit. Of course all those words and that "interesting" mind was the reason he ended up being sorta crazy. I like the crazies.

And then there was one. One dinner plate, one set of silverwear, one pack of cigarettes, one coffee cup, one television, one pillow, and the absolute worse, one toothbrush. I don't know how a piece of plastic with stupid little bristles that clean out your mouth crap can mean so much, but it really fuckin can. This ache can make a perfectly normal woman lower her standard to the point of no return. And pretend she's not a smoker. It's like a game of limbo....how low can you go?

I will not stop until I'm so sustainable my life will mean nothing. Eat that.

2007-12-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

There are two types of people in this world, People I like and people I don't like. There are few cases that ride the line. You fall into one of the catagories. Even I don't know I could love or hate you already. I jugde before there is even a meeting. I'm a pro. I wish I got money to judge people. I would be so fuckin rich. I would buy friends and people's love. It would be awesome. My whole life would be like shopping at Old Navy.

Something I learned this month...FUCK ICE. I can't even be outside without fearing my entire life. It all flashes in front of my eyes everytime I get near my door. So I stay inside where its safe. The only thing I worry about here is phone calls and my crazy neighbors. But they're almost not a problem anymore because I've started sing the broom. All it takes is a few taps on the ceiling and a violet "GIVE ME A BREAK" towards the sky. Problem fuckin solved.
I'm a problem solver.
I'm the peace keeper.
I will get you while you're sleeping.
I will watch Friends will the volume so loud you'll wish I was the one screaming.
I will cut you.

I want to drink more and think less.
I want men to be human, instead of the people I keep having to "flirt" with.
I want to read something that makes me scream.

I'm not violent, just serious. Very serious about being awesome and being funny.
And watching Scrubs and tanning. Also going to Wal-mart and getting really good deals.

I'm out.

Honesty is over comming any sense of drive

2007-12-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

Honestly
Honestly
Honestly I feel sick. Honestly I don't believe the postive things I tell meself everyday.
Honestly I think I poop to much everyday for a "healthy" person.
Honestly I smoke because it keeps my hands busy,
Honestly I want to go home.
Honestly I want to feel like I'm funny,
Honestly I want people to know who the fuck I am and what I'm doing..or not doing.
Honestly I FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Honestly I want to give it all up, work at a gas station, and live a life where no one is asking question.
Did you do this? What are your plans? Who do you wanna be? DId you do that resume, that paper, that sculpture, that application? Did you? Would you? What do you?

NO..I don't, I didn't, I won't, I don't know.

Godamit, where's the hell is my real life?
I wish I could blame this on a person with a penis. But it has nothing to do with that guy.
Just me, I'm the problem here.
I erased my paper...I erased my 17 page paper the morning it was due. I'm starting over.
God, I have a poop again.

Can I get a quote of the day you slut!

2007-12-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Someone once said to me "You have a great sense of prespective, esspecially for your age."
Ha. I thought. This woman is insane.
And then I thought, yeah "prospective" that can be the thing that proves I'm a normal person.
A normal person.
normal
normal
normal
normal
normal
Yep I'm normal.
Realizing that can be worse than many things.
Also finding out your a bad speller.

Burn down the tree...Christmas is a bitch.

2007-12-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

When people talk to single people about being single they say wonderful things like "You're awesome by yourself" "You have so many things going for you" "You will find all those things in someone else" "You have wondeful friends, a wonderful support system, you don't need to be in a relationship because you're not alone" "I totally understand"

Well boys and girls here's the things that don't tell you.
One. Most men a scarey. And they live with their parents, and wear tie-dye wolf shirts, and they say inapropriate things about the size of my breasts, and dating them is more painful that a punch in the face while you're completely sober.
Two. Having a beautiful apartment, cable, wireless internet, a brain for myself, and work ethic are unimportant when you're sitting watching the 4 millionth show of America's Next Top model, listening to your neighbors fight, and listening to your mother tell you you are ridiculous. And to top it off you can't even remember what a penis looks like anymore.
Three. Nights are fucking scarey. God forbid someone comes to the door or calls after midnight because you will literally shit yourself. But you will keep watching Friends, lock your door, and pray no one else visits until it is very light outside.
Four. When it snows, and there are Christmas lights everywhere and you keep hearing every kiss begins with K(ay) after every thing you watch on television, you will feel like shit. And there is no getting around it. I hate Christmas now. Trees, lights, carols, commercials, candy, egg nog, peace. joy, harmony, Rodolph, Santa, North Pole, snow, ice, wreaths, good cheer....every year I get made fun of for the love of these things, but not anymore. Fuck it all. I'm taking down my stupid tree. I hate the damn things, it look as "ridiculous" as my mother says my feelings are. So fucking eat me Chirstmas.
Five. Doesn't matter how many friends you have, you still feel alone. Your friends have their own lives and no one wants to give up a night with their lover to be with their "crazy single friend". I know this only because I didn't want to either when I was in a relationship.

And that my single friends, is the fucking truth. But also know this...somedays are good...somedays are really bad. But in my experience just pretending most days are good when people are watching is the best thing to do. If you don't people will be quite annoyed with you. Slap on the fake "I just got laid, but not really, but I feel great about myself" face and everyone will want to be your friend....maybe you'll even get a crown.

Drugs aren't cool so stay in school.

2007-11-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

A conversation about a musucial number and a walk down beautiful winter time memory lane and I realized something. It was something strange, and awake, so sad, and mostly just a warm comfy feeling that you have no idea its reason. I will definetly not hate Mr. B Smalls forever. I do now and I have to. But later down the road I will look back and not remember all the hateful, ridiculous things that there said in the end. I will instead remember walking down the street, with the snow and the Febuary air, with a hot pizza in hand, going to our "home" together. The first home I started on my own.

And then there were none. And that's when the music starts.

You can sign me into the mental institution now. I always look slimmer in white jackets. Oh yeah, and tan.

As we stumble along.

2007-11-25T20:31:00.001-08:00

"So that was the Drowsy Chaperone. Oh I love it so much. I...I know it's not a perfect show. The spit take scene is lame and the monky motif is labored but it does what a musical is supposed to do. It takes you to another world. And it gives you a little tune to give you to carry with you in your head for..for when you're feeling blue....you know?" -Man in Chair

This is the end of the show i just saw. And this is why i fucking love all theater, musical more than most things.

I will forever be a slave to a glass of wine. Bob and Cindy invited me over for dinner. The feed me wine like I was a starving gerbil. I stumbled home and tripped a little. By a little, I mean for real. I have a nice little wound on my knee, a perfect wound. It didn't bleed, it just hurt a little. Luckily I was to drunk to feel embarassed I just laughed, I laughed so hard that when I got home I had to pee so bad my body was shakin. No matter how pathetic...I love my life on most days.

I'm figuring it out. So everyone just chill th fuck out.

eyes of glass will break and then you can't see. fact.

2007-11-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

The day after the holidays. People are everywhere on the highways, little ants from hell.

Brett will not be coming to Vemont this week. He called yesterday and there are many reasons he won't be here. The biggest reason, my life is unfair. Its not unfair in the woe is me sort of way, its unfair in the fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck way. There may be a reason I don't get these things. There may be a reason that when I think things may be getting really good, they suddenly take a turn that make my life feel more and more like chore. A stupid chore like washing dishes or mopping. With all these chores you'd think I'd have the cleanest life ever, squesky clean. But its not, it is messy and ridiculous and smelly and changing and for the most part I enjoy the ride but sometimes I feel like someone let me on the ride before I was tall enough. People who work on those rides need to be better at their fucking jobs.

i had a wonderful holiday week even though I'm bitching. But I can't help thinking I should have been in Boston this weekend, enjoying an awkward dinner with Mr. B Smalls family. A part of me feels a little jipped because other people get laid during the holidays. Whatever those people suck balls.

Still, I'm not crying. I veto tears.

The Drowsy Chaperone inspriration.

2007-11-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

Holy shit people, I just saw a musical tonight. It was awesome. It was colorful, loud, funny, and basically kick ass. I want to be on stage with a glittery dress, long legs, tight hair, and a voice like magic. I would prefer to be with my friends, they would all know the words to the song. It would be a catchy song, so catchy that even people who like slow deep emo bullshit would come around and realize that life was but a song. And also realize that if you are sad you should sing and dance not slit your wrists. We'd all just be there and wars would stop, no one would be hungry and Friends DVDs would be handed out like bibles. Then there would be fireworks. a lot of fireworks. I would suddenly appear as if I was born from the colorful flame of the largest, loudest firework. In the end people would jump up screaming because it was so good. I would be the only one with the solo bow. I'd practice a humble wave before hand so as not to look as though i was expecting all of this.
So this is probably gonna happen.

Jesus was a streaker...he had super hairy balls.

2007-11-15T22:05:00.000-08:00

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm here. And this is what is happening.
I'm sitting on my couch, watching Sex In the City, drinking the last of my whiskey, smoking a cig, and screening my calls like its my job. Screening because the woman who lives above me has become strangely obsessed with me. And obsessed with telling me about Jesus and blessing me with God's love. I listen to her scream at her husband every Jesus lovin night, and then she comes down in the morning to tell me how great she feels, how's she high on God's love, and how Jesus is telling her to do things. She has also gave my numebr to her friends, so they can call here if she's not in her apartment. Um Helloo????
This leads me to question, what's the difference between God and the voices in your head that seem to be left over form a few to many acid trips? God=Drugs.
May I add, that this is the same woman who a week before told me of her secret childhood, and pretty much blew my mind away with truth, truth could paralyze a young child. She immediatly followed that conversation with words that made me feel like a failure because I lived alone and I was single. I truley believe that most people would rather be in an unhealthy relationship than no relationship at all. This woman screams at her drunk husband everynight but there was a sweaty fear in her voice when she warmly refered to my "lonely, scarey life".
In real real real reality I am not lonely nor am I scared. She is, however, insane. Listen to the heavy breathing she leaves on my answering machine if you don't believe me. People love me. This is a fact I have come to accept, but its a curse sometimes. One weird, old, tatooed. jesus loving, repeat calling, scarey curse.
So thats my story.
Somebody call me thats not her. Please.

In a world of hopeless posibility there's gotta be somthing.

2007-11-11T19:23:00.000-08:00

November 11th....there I said it.
Moment of sadness today=would have been a year today. But it is not.
Not that I'm one of those people looking for pity, but I am. So yeah, feel sorry for me because I'm going through something millions of people already have. A break-up. How do you make that shit funny, its just too hard...that's what she said.
Well know we know. Lesson learned

Said good-bye to the deli life today. That place has been an interesting scene in my life. It has lead me to social situations that I never thought I would ever be in. Like sitting in the back on my break, smoking a cig, and taking a swig from a flask that Kenny and I were sharing....Kenny the guy who rides his bike around town a little drunk every day. I love that guy. Or Bob waliking into the bathroom, after I had just had a great experience, and was wiping my fun parts. He saw my gynie the second day I worked there. I think that's when we knew we'd be friends.That day led to our secret handshake.

Where the fuck is my bed? That's where I should be now.

And then they all shut the fuck up.

2007-11-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

Jesus fuckin Christ, I am exhausted.

Mpnday was so busy. I was at the gallery most of the day. I was so nervous to go back there because this weekend I made a fool of myself and I will tell you how.
I was helping serve food and drinks at a gala to raise money for the art center. I took a shower, I shaved things that haven't been shaved in a while, I put on make-up, a slick outfit, and toped it off with a very nice scarf. I looked good. They told me to be there at 5, and I got there RIGHT ON TIME, but everything was already set up. The whole thang didn't start till 6:30 so I stood around for an hour and a half doing NOTHING. Well not doing nothing, I was also walking around awkwardly looking and feeling like a jack-ass. 6:30 finally came and I was given a tray full of glasses of sparking white wine and told to give them to guests. "Be Pushy" they said. So I was excited to finally have a job to do and I was thinking "hell yeah, everyone here is gonna love me. I get to be the one giving them free alcohol." Well within 10 minutes of this great job, I dropped that tray like it was my only purpose, broke the beauitful glasses, and spilled the wine all over the floor. Oh, and did I mention also all over myself. I was quickly demoted to "coat girl" and spent the majority of the night with wet tittles, wet stomach, wet thighs, and a wet crotch. No one cares who you are when you take coats, and they completely forget about you by the time they meet up with the person giving out the free booze.

Now its today. Wednesday at the gallery, yuck. Today my job was hauling all the pedestals, one by one, to the attic. Three floors and a small winding stairway....15 times.I was sweaty and my legs felt like jello, Being out of shape is so cool. All the popular people are doing it. After I was done with that I got to sweep all the floors in the buildings, the 7 galleries. Then I cleaned the art studio....and swept more floors. The day was like an endless messy hallway. I just kept sweeping and getting more sweaty by the minute. And the I actually died for a second.
While I was driving home, I saw Mr. Biggie Smalls. Well at least I think I saw him. And with that small glimpse into the past, I threw up in my mouth. So by the time I got home from the gallery, I was exhausted, smelling like old dried sweat, and there was throw up on my shirt that sneaked out during my moment of the ultimate unsexy Angie.

I think I'm done for the day. Yes I'm spent.

Voluntering. It doesn't pay.

2007-11-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

People tell me things.

This morning I chatted with a neighbor of mine. There were some things shared that I listened to with an understanding grin but inside my head I was thinking "Holy Shit, I can't freakin believe someone is telling me this...I must be awesome. I must be the shit. I have no idea how to react...Maybe I'm not that awesome." In the end I still felt like a champion, but in comparison I don't have problems. However, I am self invovled for the most part, and I will continue to think the world revolves around me for a least 10 hours of each of my days. This is how I roll.

Saturdays are the worst. I used to have really great, chillin out, getting laid Saturdays. I didn't even have to get drunk before hand. It was this precious day when I felt my most beautiful, my most settled, my most happy, calm self. Well those days a long fuckin gone. For the most part I spend Saturdays entertaining myself with meaningless tasks that fill the day. I usually have a point of feeling so anxious that my mind literally jumps out of my head and makes bad desicions without reality being a factor. Then i have a point where I need to cry. If someone says to me one more time "You're not alone, your just going through a hard time, it can only get better." I will serioiusly punch them in the crotch life a professional ninja and say "It doesn't really hurt, you're just being a pussy."
End of story. Jeesh.

I am getting more angry as time goes on, my skin keeps gettin thicker. I will win....I am the champion of the universe for life.

Don't have sex or you will get pregnant and die.

2007-11-01T21:08:00.001-07:00

Walking is a thing that a person can do when they DO NOT want to feel good about themsleves. Next time I'll just shot myself in the foot because it is equally as awesome and takes less tme.
I walked and when I was within a block from my place, already on Bentley Ave, a truck full of high school kids drove by in big, stupid, made-for-Poultney pick up truck. Ignoring their screams, I kept walking...walking. And then a fun size Snickers bar came flying from what I thought was heaven, but instead was from the hand of a dirty teenage boy. And than peice of hard chocolate, caramel, and nuts hit me in the side of the face, knocking my glasses half way off. I took the glasses off and cried the rest of the way home. Like one of those movies when the dorky girl gets dumped at prom. FUCK WALKING....and halloween. Jack-O-Latterns are stupid, Black Cats look like whorey animals, and witches can eat me.
This experience equaled the horrible moment I had last week, when i sat in the back of a theater alone, wathcing a romantic comedy on a Friday night. I kept thinking if anyone looks at me I'll just stand up and tell them how okay I am, how strong I am, how I always got picked first to be on every team, how I was the fuckin prom queen, how I am bigger than them and I could kick their ass with one shot of vodka and metal rod, that I am feeling great about being single. Thats a true story with things made up within it.
I was gonna refer to the person who broke my heart as Mr Big. In reminded me of Sex in the City and i always wanted a Mr Big...who doesn't? But then I realized Mr. Big and Carrie ended up together. So he will be called Mr. Biggie Smalls. For short I may say Mr. B.Smalls, or Mr.Biggie S, or Mr. BS. Whatever comes naturally to me. I should have know it was gonna end on a bad note. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I heard a different question and yelled "I'M NOT A LESBIAN!"
i have the secret name because I may have posted about a certain man, about the act of riding, and a fantasy including a helpless pony. And that may have lead to him googling his own name and finding the online public confession that I thought was less public that the world wide web. I'm usually the last one to get the joke.
And so, bed time will come sooner than I expected tonight. I am merely a child of a night full of pepsi, pizza, the office, and one other thing that makes me vission blurry...but generally happier than the moment before.
I still hate dogs though....and nothing will ever change that.

When all was said and done, more was said than done.

2007-10-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

In the face of the pressure of an art show, a fucking tramatic break-up, a vagina problem (lets just say she's a little under the goddamn weather), the engagement of my younger brother, scraping the skin off my middle finger while trying to create the perfect hot chocolate by shaving actual chocolate, and a man who wears a tie-dye wolf T-Shirt trying to win my affection...what does a pretty kick ass, sorta broken woman do????

My gut response, actually my heart's response, is to drink. Why drink? Well, it numbs the pain and makes life great. Unfortunately for me and fortunately for my liver (and vagina) somehow I have matured. I have decided instead to work through the days and suffer through the nights.I started a job at an art gallery, where there are so many set ups for "that's what she said" jokes its not even fair. I have to be professional there so there are no jokes My humor is wasted on the boy who works for Americore in the office, and that doesn't even count because for the most part I think the things I say just make him feel uncomfortable. He's into the theater, so I got super stoked to talk to him about that. But I think it just turned into a conversation that seemed like I was hitting on him. He polietly mentioned his loving boyfriend. To which I responded "That's great, that's awesome, I don't have one of those anymore." I thought that would be funny, he polietly let me know that is was NOT with the painful silence that followed after I said that.

I'm talking to Brett again. God, I love that Jew. He's fucking awesome. He'll laugh at anything I say and tell me I'm awesome even when I tell him about all the shit that makes me this side of crazy. I will never get it, but he makes me smile like an idiot. I have dream about him on horses, big horses than run fast. Maybe I'll let him come save me one day when I'm not a douche anymore. I can never be sure when that day will be.

I talk on the phone a lot, though I don't have anything interesting to say. I'm getting good at rambling, better than before.
I have no crushes, no embarrassing sex stories, and no bitches or hoes trying to bring a brotha down.
Oh, but don't worry, I'm still watching Friends on a regular basis. The whole world hasn't changed just parts of it.

la la la the sounds of the rain

2006-06-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm freakin stressed.

My favorite cast left. They were the coolest, you don't even know. The house is always empty when I come home and it's a sad sad thing. Now I have to lay on the couch by myself and smoke cigarettes on the big deck by myself.
and then I wake up to CJ watching ESPN and I'm sweating cause the house is so hot and the couch is eating my soul at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Well there's that.

"I was finishing my dance with this move and then my hair caught on fire"

2006-05-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well guys, here I am....in Dorset. I know its only been a week, but I'm having a kick your mother in the face pretty good time. I finally met up with CJ today and he doesn't hate me, turns out we're the same fucking person. I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I have been laughing with/at him all day. We're going out to lunch and then to a play tomorrow night with Dorset people, I feel like I've finally found a BFF who's kinda gay, well at least half gay.

I passed out on a chair last night, it was pretty cool. My love for gummy bears parallels my love for alcoholic beverages. This is what I have learned in m 21 years here on earth.

Brett is not returning phone calls now. That probably means he's either mad at me for some unknown reason or he just sucks. Its hard to tell this early in the game, but I think I'm about to punch him in the ovaries. Seriously though, I kinda miss his face.

well there ya go. I'm really awesome at this as usual. You probably want a little more, but I'm not gonna give it to ya. Or I am I giving it to ya just by saying this last part?
I think I'll let Jesus be the deciding factor.

I LOVE DISNEY MUSIC!!!!

2006-04-28T02:23:00.000-07:00

Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. It's kinda great.

I finally finished my screen project and it turned out to be something pretty neat. The stress caused by Studio X is slowly becoming something I can deal with. I might not even hurt Dick the next time I see him. hmmm...

Brett modeled for Drawing from the Human Form (the pic is a sketch I did, it looks better when you can see all the colors) Richard thinks we hate eachother and it's quite funny. After class we hung out forever. Everyone from CALF was chillin with us and we all ate dinner together. And then Brett just HAD to call my mom because he missed her. He's fucking crazy, but whatevs. He's got a new girl, so the stress is off and we can just be goofy like in the old days. I don't hate it.

I talked to Jess and it was about as amazing as it could be.
Reasons I will heart Jess forever:
1.) she's my #1 pick to be my girlfriend if I ever become a lesbian.
2.) she listens to me go on FOREVER and doesn't judge
3.) she's in love
4.) she likes rap music
5.) she really likes online shopping
6.) sometimes I believe she's a god...well most times
7.) she's a crazy bitch
8.) she's got nice titties
9.) I miss her like crazy when she not around.

well the sun is coming up and I'm gonna try to get some shut eye before the morning is officially here.

tomorrow night is eric's show (well actually tonight) and I'm excited to chill tomorrow and not be working for a second.

when I get bigger........

2006-04-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

There are days is a person's life, when you just wanna punch people in the face all day long. I was just looking at people today and I thought to myself "Man, they just look like they need to get punched in the face cause they just suck at life right now." Then I thought about how horrible it would be if someone just punched me in the face for sucking at life (even though I'd deserve it if I sucked at life) and I decided that I'd settle for just burning someone with a lit cigarette.

I realized today that I WILL be able to finish my work and I am not going to explode with stress and tobacco before I do. I will, however, come dangerously close. I was also able to get Friday off at the deli so I've pretty much been peeing myself over that all day and it was HOT!!!

I had the craziest dream last night, well not crazy crazy. I was married to Brett and there were huge shandalears everywhere in this big resturant he owned in New York City. I was painting while wearing a beautiful blue dress, that I probably purchased at Old Navy even though we had lots of money. If anyone is hip on the dream scene, I wonder what that means????

I'm about to talk to Jess. I like it and I like it.

Only dopes do dope

2006-04-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

"oh you're Angie"

the reason I drink is because people say those three words to me all to often.

I finished my tree from hell on Thursday night. I was very excited so I ran away to the bar to get my drink on. Joan is my new mom, I love her like woah that. Brett was there and that made me way more stressed than the tree ever did, so I decided the best idea was to just keep pounding back any alcoholic beverage I could get my hands on. It worked.
Anywho I drank way too much and a part of me died a little while I was laying on Dyle's bathroom floor regreting everything I've ever done in my life since the moment I was born.
No applause nessasary.

I have lost all my privacy ever. I came home last night at about 3 in the morning, just waiting to get in my bed, spread out and have a nice long sleep. So I go to grab my beautiful blanket that I'm absolutely in love with and Kate Glenn is sleeping under it, taking up my entire bed. I have no problem with people needing a place to crash, but I haven't slept alone in a coon's age and it's not because I'm getting any action (well, not in my bed), it's because people are crazy. This is my new Angie's bed rule: If you have not given me an orgasm before we go to bed, you can not sleep in my bed all night. And it's my choice if you actually get to try to give me the big O.
I'm posting that shit on my door.

Brett kinda sucks. I gotta let that kid go before I lose my mind. As long as I can cuddle with someone once in a while for the next few weeks, I'm happy. I don't need to be getting married to some crazy boy.

Well I have to be doing my work before I go to Brown Bag for the night. I love that place, but I hate walking there and knowing I don't have a choice about my plans for the night.

"Don't touch me...how many times have I heard that in my lifetime." Richard Wienstein

2006-04-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

I believe I've bitten off more than I can chew for many reasons. These reasons span across my friends, my boys, my homework, and my artwork.

I took this week off from the deli to get some work done. I have succeeded in getting ridiculously stoned and repainting my 6 foot canvas to look like a bad acid trip. Shit dog.

Brett has been over for the past two nights. Yesterday he came over, we had a fun night, fun that included the Steven Colbert Report and not sex. He was here all afternoon and we layed on my couch together until the evening came. We were laughing at each other and his smile was like heaven. When his beautiful Greek body is laying next to me I freak out a little inside. What the hell am I waiting for with him??????? A fuckin written invitation. I really need to decide what I want. Or I could just keep smoking cigarettes and be alone with yellow teeth.

I want to jump on my bed in slow motion, I want to live in New York City, I want crust-less bread to be the same price as bread with crust, I want to win Mario Cart more than your mom, I want to be a painter that isn't afraid of mistakes, I want smaller boobs, I want a bigger butt, I want television in the shower, I want warm weather, I want to be holding hands with the man I love on the streets of Venice.

And that's all, I'm not funny tonight. Well actually I am, but I used it all up with Shannon. She gives me hope for humanity, but I still have no hope for her.

Seriously, I gotta go.

There's this myth I once heard, if you hold your ear up to a vagina you'll hear the ocean.

2006-03-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

What a long damned weekend.

I think I need a beard, it would make me look more sophisticated. I could scratch my beard and look like I was thinking about something really cool and important, but I'd really just be singing the words to the Rent soundtrack. But no one would suspect.

I did lots of work and hid in my room for the past two days. I ate some very delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and looked at emo art.

My little Bretty came over tonight, we watched Family Guy and I thought about my socks a lot. They didn't match, I wondered if Brett was wishing they were the same color. I cleaned my room so he wouldn't freak out, but I forgot about the socks. I like him even though he's completely insane, and he likes me even though nothing about me is in order.

Well I believe next weekend I will drink, Beatles theme party on CALF, I like the sounds of that. Friday night will be a nice little fun time for Angie. Any one who wants to have a good time and won't act like a dick or make me pissed is welcomed to come.

I'm becoming a horrible person.

Fuck sleep.

2006-03-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

I drank a shit load of coffee today and now my brain is in over drive. I just spent FOREVER updating my facebook, someone cool better comment on that shit or I will have worked for nothing. Seriously I need a life.

I'm talking very fast.

I think I have an idea for my painting, don't ask about it, just know it's under construction full force.

I don't like being alone at night. I just don't I keep trying to convince myself that I'm alone and that doesn't mean I have to feel lonely. Well, it's not working, I need lots of good cuddling. I need a warm body, someone who won't ask to much of me or insist on having 2349845 emo conversations about "where we're going". Reminder to self, don't call Brett late at night when you're on a caffeine binge, he will only make you wanna break things.

And that my friends is what we call closure.

Well now, I'm just crying, it's this fuckin great, what the hell is happening?

We raise our glass, you bet your ass to La VIe Boheme!

2006-03-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

It's official, half way through my spring break and I have nothing to show for it. My work load is ridiculous and I'm just putting that shit off like the freakin plague.

I hung out with good ol Bretty yesterday. He was very shiny and tan, like new car smell. He kept smiling, it looked like his big white teeth were gonna eat the rest of his face. He was being very sexy, saying crazy things, basically making my very nervous. The first thing he did when he walked in was lay on my bed with me. What did I do in the face of possibly getting a little afternoon nookie???? Nothing, well not nothing. I got up, sat on my couch, curled up in the fetal position and cried like a child who lost her bike. It turns out I didn't really want that bike or at least I didn't want to ride it at that point. After a few hours of playing the game he left, I didn't blame him, I was exhausted myself. The act of sex is tiring, but the act of the before stuff is even more horrible, especially if ends in nothing happening.
I don't care if Justin smelled or was weird or whatever, that fucker knew how to get to the damn point.

Will and I went to Michigan this weekend to see my fam scene. It was a short trip but we had a good time. Here's the highlights:
1.) Will watched porn with my uncle and dad.
2.) Will hit a small helpless bunny at 6 in the morning.
3.) We heard a bomb go off, a plane landing, and/or UFOs in Whitehall, NY.
4.) Saw Niagara Falls during the day and it was beautiful.
5.) Ate Dairy Queen.
6.) Spent a lot of time singing as loud as we could in the car to any song we knew at least one word to.
7.) Decided to become a touring duet who only sings "Piano Man"
And then we came home.

Well I have to work tonight and then come home and continue to do nothing at all. Maybe a movie and sweet, sweet sleep. There will probably be some masturbation in all that, because I've got time bitches. Word.

I'd like to check into the panorama.

2006-03-03T22:53:00.000-08:00

So guys I'm quite stoned right now and so I believe its the best time to write something great and meaningful and crazy, but really just great.

The bitch left without saying good bye, Shannon Robins, a girl I love and respect, left without saying good-bye. WTF? That shit hurts, why do I leave my room? oh yeah, to find people to have sex with me, but lately I haven't had to leave my room for that, so why do I leave my room? ridddle me that.

I'm going home tomorrow, no more worries for a few days, word. Everyone kinda ditched out at the last minute, but Will and I will have fun, I mean I'm not pissed or anything but everyone thought I was like the coolest ever and was all like "yeah angie, shit, spring break, Michigan, all the cool people go there and you're the coolest Angie Szarenski, you are without a doubt the master of all things that are awesome and/or totally sweet, nice." I was digging that, my fans that is, but then everyone turned in to a hater and wanna go to New Jersey or have all this work to do, and it's like my father doesn't really love me and my life is falling apart and my artwork will never be cool enough for the big kids on the playground and everyone is smiling when I get the crown.

Brett modeled for my drawing class yesterday, Richard loves him more than me cause Brett can stand still for 2903834082 hours. All the girls were talking about him and calling him superman and looking at his privates and asking eachother if he went to Green Mountain and I just wanted to scream. It's the first time I've ever been jealous and felt like I had to make sure everyone knew he was mine......and then he got in the laying down pose. I couldn't do it becaue he was laying down and my lower area was freakin out, so I called Richard over. He leaned down to help me and his knee was touching my back and he smelled like soap and he kept telling me to check the angle of Brett's nipples and and I could barely handle myself, so I exploded right there and now I'm talking to you from the other side of life. I don't even exist anymore, except for my vagina which is just waiting for him to do the laying down pose again for her chance to strike.

Well that is all I got, surprised???? You shouldn't be, that's just life and sometimes that's all there is.

I'm slowing becoming damaged goods.

2006-03-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

I really like staying in my room, I almost feel blind when go out into the light and have to say hi to people that I only know because I told them I loved their shirt when I was drunk. I have to ask how they're doing and say that I can't wait to hang out with them again. I'm gonna let everyone in on a little secret, I don't like most people but I have a very convincing smile. So watch your back, cause I might be behind it, running away from you because I don't wanna have an awkward conversation with you.

Well guys, I've been listening to a lot of Black Eyed Peas lately. I enjoy dancing in the mirror while smoking a nice little ciggie. I am sure that I was a fly ass bitch in my other life and I had a great butt, like a big one that you can actually see when I'm wearing clothes.

Stress all around me and every time I take my eyes off it, it comes around and slaps me in the face with one of those orange construction cones. I'm ready to go home for day. I wanna smoke cigs with my momma, laugh like a bad ass, eat good food, sleep on the couch, and be in Peck for a little bit, just to make sure everything is still running smoothly since I left. I write long sentence because I don't breathe. Fact.

And that's all for the day, tomorrow will be filled with classes and Dick Weis yelling at me because I haven't started my big painting yet. Fear. It will however end with Brett modeling half naked for my drawing class, so life is not all bad.

That pic is me the way I wish I always was. Tan.

Copernicus is a dildo. And that's all I've learned this week.

2006-02-19T21:57:00.000-08:00

"I'm a virgin"
"Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia and I know that and that shit is everywhere."
"What if she laughs at me though?"
"Then you punch he in the fuckin head if she laughs."

I didn't get drunk this weekend, why is it so hard to be like the kids at Green Mountain, they're all judging me. I did however walk through campus crying with a six pack in my hand, so I think I got my point across.

Next Friday will be a month without sex. fuck. The most action I've got in the last three weeks is when I fell and hit my vagina on the raised tile covered cement shower divider in the bathroom when I was drunk and had pooped my pants about 15 minutes before, so there's that. Brett better watch himself on Friday because I'm gonna be humping him till I can't feel my legs any more. True Story.

Will got married this weekend. And this is why I like him around. Cause the moment I think I've done the stupidest thing with my life, e.i. celibacy, he goes and does something that makes me look like an amateur. Hats off to you my friend, you are the king.
In all seriousness, congrats man, you got some balls, I can even like a soup for more that a week.

Brett came over tonight, its funny how the image of him riding a white horse naked makes me very calm within my world. Basically when I'm stoned all I think about is horses and naked people.

I guess it goes without say that I wasn't about to throw some yogurt on an unconscious woman's feet

2006-02-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

There comes a point in every gynie's life when she needs to ask herself, "Self, should I continue making cheese steak sandwiches or throw Tom Stuessy's vanilla latte off his table and ride him like a helpless pony?"

i'm now hiding under my covers with my computer. I feel like I'm ten and I've just made the sweetest tent to live in for life.

i'm listening to larry king live and he's asking some guy from the show "growing pains" about his love for cooking. Larry just asked "Do you cook with a Wok?" Who comes up with the questions for this stupid fucking show?

according to shannon justin smells. she says he smells not so great. pretty much, she says he smells bad. I guess I never smelled him real good. I did have sex with him though. You'd think I'd be able to pick out a stinky guy if I'm doing a little front to action with him. i think my nose is retarded.(that pic I have includes the stinky guy)

I'm gonna end by saying that pauly shore is hot.........i wonder if he smells too?

No one puts Baby in the fuckin corner

2006-02-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

The end of the live journal era has finally come....and this time I mean it. Tell your friends cause this is how this shit is gonna rrrrrrrrooooooooollllllllllll.

I like to watch the movie Object of My Affection and eat Now and Laters and love the world.
On Friday I was a drunkie and I lost all my dignity and most of the food I ate this week in about .0002 seconds. It was pretty hot, like burn your hands on the stove hot. Hot enough to need lots quarters to wash all my clothes and sheets the nest day. Thank you, Thank you. I'd take a bow but I don't wanna go over the top here.

I'd also like to take a second to say this, it's been two weeks. Two mother fucking weeks. This is supposed to make me a better person, but I believe my vagina might jump out of my pants and rape the next boy who shows me a minute of interest. She's pissed....super pissed like a ninja warrior. I need a head band.

Here is a fact. I might have sex with a professor. He's lucky I'm easy or I might actually be disgusted with him. Lucky, lucky, lucky him. He came to see me today so he could ask to be my Valentine. Oh shit, I said it.

Well I have to keep watching this movie and smoke a cigarette. yes.